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homo...whats.

[Look, English isn't even her first language and her people may be savages but they aren't THAT kind of savage, okay. Thank you for coming to her post-apocalyptic TED talk.]

...Why what. You're fine?

I mean yeah I've seen you you were naked thirty seconds after we met but - [Lexa really hadn't thought much about any of that one way or another.]

My people are not like whatever her people are like, Rowan. The only reason anyone ever cared who I fucked was because I am the Heda. If I had been born a normal girl I could've had whoever I wanted who wanted me in return and I don't understand why she even cares this is a fairy realm for fucks sake - I'm supposed to be dead how can it possibly matter.

I don't think hitting her will work I saw her tear her bed apart the first day we met... plus the pool thing.

Might be satisfying tho... [Easily worth a broken bone or two, right?]

[Thanks for reminding them about that. Thank fuck for Max and Lucas and how that particular incident will never have to happen again.]

Honestly, Lexa? You're lucky. That ain't how it is where we're from. I know some of the other shit you had to go through ain't nice, but people do care about it where we come from, and for some people that's really hard to shake off. Ren's apparently one of them.

Don't mean she don't deserve a whack around the ears, though, 'cos seriously, no one here cares. I mean, fuck, most people aren't even gay, there's more bis here than in your average pride parade.

I can give her one if you don't want to, though. [They probably will in any case.]

[Is it any consolation that Lexa was naked too? Maybe not. Still.]

Who has time to care who fucks who, though? There are wars to fight and food to find and houses to fix. Clarke's people didn't care either and they were... very strange.

A persons value is in how they help their community and not in what or who is in their pants.

[Drunk Heda: Speech edition.]

Well she doesn't want to touch me I don't think, cos I wouldn't just let her shrug me off like yesterdays plans.

She is difficult, Rowan... but I liked her. Lots. And I thought.

But I'm too old and too dead to be some dirty little secret and pretend it's a fun time. And - she didn't even tell me this before I went to kiss her I'm surprised she didn't try to fucking drag me under the water with her and drown us both. I guess I was supposed to know that loving women was bad?????????

Which you know. I wouldn't care if it was but it's not, it's not even weird.

You don't need to tell me that twice. I've been dealing with attitudes like this since I was a kid, I know exactly how dumb it is. [They try and keep a touch of sharpness from their tone, but a touch still comes through. They know they've gotten off relatively lightly in terms of homo and transphobia, but that doesn't mean they've escaped entirely unscathed.]

She's being a dumbass and she hurt you 'cos of it. 'Cos people told her that she's wrong, and she took it to heart. It's a gross circle. And that's why she needs a thump to come to her fucking senses, so if you don't want to give it to her, I will.

[It is just exceedingly baffling to someone who had never really had to think about it. Like. Someone had killed Lexa's girlfriend because... she was hers but it wasn't because ew, Lesbians or anything. Same when Titus tried to kill Clarke and took out Lexa instead.

If she'd gone after Bellamy or someone instead (ew) the reaction would've been the same from all the very violent parties involved.]

I wasn't supposed to want anyone at all. And doing so got one killed, but she wasn't killed because we were both girls it was just politics. It happened again with Clarke but because Titus thought she made me weak. He couldn't aim a gun to save his life let alone mine though and here we are....

I already told her she was wrong. I was dressed up all nice and I thought she'd like to come lay in the sun with me and... [And now Lexa just sounds sad.]

[It doesn't take much to make Rowan feel bad, and it doesn't help that they knew something was up with Ren but didn't want to delve too deep. If they had, maybe they'd have been able to save Lexa from this.]

So she's an idiot who don't recognise a good thing when it's right in front of their nose. [Their tone is soft, reassuring.] That's her loss, right? Or is she worth fighting through this stupidity for? 'Cos if that's what you want, I can help.

[Lexa sounds decidedly soberer when she speaks. Maybe a minute has passed of her thinking.

It wasn't the big, universe defying sort of love with Ren. But there was a spark there, a warmth she so badly wanted to keep. It was easy curling up next to Ren, she felt safe, if not always understood. That was why she had felt so comfortable pulling Ren in for a kiss. Why she had dressed up.

It was why she had cared so much when Ren tried to make a fool of herself with that contest - which by the way had been about fucking a woman, Ren, you hypocritical idiot.]

Ren says that people always leave or give up on her or some bullshit. If they do it's because she pushes them away. She tried with me. Again and again. Tried to sneak out like it was some great shame only to be defeated by me laying on her or dragging her back to bed... I don't give up on people, Rowan.

But she is unwilling to see past - we were alone. More alone than when she was going to fuck me in the hallway or when she sat outside my bedroom for god knows how long waiting for me to get back. I don't understand why a kiss made her fulfil her own prophesy when nothing else made her want to shy away so much she couldn't resist it.

You know she announced to literally everyone in this realm that she had every intention to fuck a woman when she and Milla were being children at each other. But I am too much. I suppose. I... thought she liked me too. What if I was mistaken?

[The last thing they need right now is another crisis of love on their hands, but Rowan just can't stop themself. It's not just that they feel bad for not speaking to Ren sooner, they also feel for Lexa and how confused and disappointed she must feel right now. And that touch of innocence, that lack of knowledge about homophobia and all it entails, they want to protect that, for as much as they can now, because the idea of a world where that doesn't exist? That's an idea worth protecting.]

Look, I can't pretend to know how Ren feels. But if she really waited for you like that... People don't always act rational when they're torn between what they want and what they think they can't have.

Sometimes we push people away to stop ourselves from getting too close. It don't make her right if that's what she's doing, the opposite really. And it don't mean that you have to let her get away with it, neither. It just might be why.

[It must be strange that such a wild world of cruel people end up having strange soft points, lines that even they wouldn't cross. At the end of the day your clan was your clan and all that mattered was that you weren't a traitor or one of those monsterous men spat out by the mountain.

The rest was just details. Do your job, however small. Try to survive. Be loyal. Nothing else mattered much.]

I know what it is to act irrationally... I just - but then I have had a problem with fully giving up on anything I wanted even when it went against my people's teachings.

Clarke told me life should be about more than just surviving... I don't have a life after this, just a spot in the flame. So I have tried to live while I can. I.. she and I... I don't know what it is. But it was nice. And I think she likes it too. Or did?

I do miss her. [But it hurts to hear what she said again and again in her head and it's senseless and thoughtless and uncharacteristically, in Lexa's opinion, cruel.] She is better than this. I can see it in her.

She is. [Rowan agrees to that easily; they've seen it for themself. And they probably shouldn't tell Lexa this, but she deserves to know.]

I know Ren acts all tough and strong and stuff, but I think under that she's actually pretty lost. Don't tell her I said that, but... In terms of home she's pretty young. Still trying to figure out how to make her way in the world.

Beau said something like that... and I know too.

I suppose I am just more accustomed to people working out how to shoulder even things they should by no means be able to carry. As much as I knew in life, as long as I reigned. my people could never prepare me for a place like this and those who inhabit it. And I spent most of my life away from the common people unless there was something dire at hand.

Before the pool I was trying to just be steady for her. Tell her when she fucked up, but not leave. Be there when she found it in herself to calm down. Perhaps I took the wrong approach. Or did not impress upon her enough that it wasn't a falsehood or a trick.

You had a harder life than us in lots of ways. In comparison, she's real sheltered. You said you took the throne at 12, right? She only became an adult... I think she said six months before she came here, and only moved out from home a month or so before. She ain't had nothing to shoulder before. And she ain't had a chance to move out from under her parents' gaze neither.

But like I said, that don't mean you gotta fix her. She'll take a lot of work, and it ain't on your back to do that. It's up to you to decide if she's worth it or not. But whether you do or not, I'm going to try and get it through to her 'cos she needs to learn. So there's that.

Twelve. Yes. But I had been training since I could walk. Natblidas never get to rest or be weak or know their parents in most cases. I did not know my own, not even their names.

[And that's sad too, but Lexa sounds resigned to the fact. A Heda's family must be all of her people. It was not a pillar of the Commander but it was good sense. The initiates kept their clan name, but nothing else. No family. No siblings unless they were unfortunate to be taken late or their parents unfortunate to have two that get noticed - or they offered up. Like Luna and her brother.

But Lexa wasn't like them. Her only sort of parent was Anya, who had been little more than a girl herself when she had plucked Lexa up and took her under her wing to train her.]

I cannot really imagine what it is like to have all of that to worry about it, despite my own pressures and concerns.

No one can fix anyone else. She must realise on her own what she wants, and if it is worth more than the shame she felt when I foolishly thought I could kiss the girl who so often kissed me. But I'm dead, Rowan, all I've got is time and I'm not going anywhere fast.

Yeah, that's true, but I can give her a good shove towards the road and hope to hell she finds it, 'cos I ain't putting up with her stringing ladies along just 'cos she's too deep in Narnia to figure herself out. [And as her alpha, it's their job to take care of her, and that also means not letting her get hurt over this either.]

And dead you might be, but that don't stop you from having the right to choose who you spend your time and effort on. But if you do decide that she's worth it, then she's a lucky lady.

...What is Narnia? [That part trips Lexa up because: what even???] I mean, I think I get the point.

I knew she was trouble since before we said a word to each other. I still wanted her. Which is stupid, I'm pretty sure her eyes glaze over - possibly in terror - any time I talk at length. But she's... [Warm. And sweet. And she had so much potential.]

[Oh shit right.

How to explain that reference?] It's a place from a story in my world that you access through a closet. Um. What I'm trying to say is she's denying who she is.

Trouble is a pretty good word for Ren, I think. You know, it gets used as an endearment quite a lot where I'm from? [Pointedly, and with a little chuckle.]

Hey, look, I need to go to close up, but then I'm free. Do you want me to come check up on you on the way back to my room? I guess I'll be about half an hour, maybe an hour.

Interesting metaphor. [Sorry Rowan most of the worlds lit died in the fire.]

Fitting, I suppose. I always had a taste for women who liked to bite off more than they could chew.

Mmmn... If you want. My door has a black mask painted on it, like my facepaint. In winter.

Oh I have a pnther for a pet he doesn't bite. Well. He might bite Ren now...

Oh. Animals don't really like me. He might want to bite me too. [Fight or flight is usually the question when it comes to Garou and animals, and a panther, they figure, is more likely to fall on the fight side.]

He likes everyone. Usually Ren, too... Though he does hit her with his tail a lot when she's being... herself. She gets weirdly competitive with him.

He likes Milla too. If it's a world thing. Which. I dunno. None of you smell funny to me.

[Yeah she had definitely drunk at least a bit.]

To be fair, if I had a tail I'd want to hit Ren with it sometimes too. [They're just not going to confirm or deny if it's a world thing, because, well. Yes.]

But if he's not going to try and have a go at me, I'll come by soon as I can. [And bring some water for her, and maybe a snack to try and soak up some of the booze.]

Mmmn... me too. Which might be why he does it actually. He can understand me.

Kova will be a good boy. Heda's honour.

See you shortly, then. Don't drink yourself to sleep in the meanwhile.

[They rush through cleaning up, and set off to the castle at a quick pace, but falter a bit when they reach Winter. They do know it fairly well, thanks to Jackie, but they have no idea what her face paint looks like. But when they come across a door with black paint on it, they figure that's a fair enough guess, and knock on it.]

Lexa?

[When Lexa answers the door she isn't tripping over herself or even the big mountain lion she still called a cub who came to the door with her to inspect the stranger and protect his mother if need be. She has definitely been drinking, though, and more than that her eyes are puffy from tears that she had long since dried away. She was dressed merely in a black nightgown, it split along the side almost to her hip and it was held up only by spaghetti straps. Her hair was down, loose over her shoulder.

Lexa pulls the door open, wide.

Her room is much the same as anyone else's... if you ignored the throne in the corner. No big deal.]

Thank you for coming. Sorry about the... messaging and the hour and [she waves her hand as if to say "everything".]

[Rowan eyes the cat, and then the throne, before Lexa herself, but they just offer her a smile and a glass of water. They're still dressed, all in black, with a faint smell of stale beer lingering around their cuffs.]

Hey, no worries. It's not like I wasn't up anyway, and work is mostly dead by this point.

[They do take another surreptitious glance over her shoulder into the room to try and figure out how much she's been drinking though.]

[Kova seems satisfied enough that Rowan wasn't about to eat Lexa's face and so after curling around Lexa's legs protectively for a few moments he saunters back over and plops himself on the end of the bed.

She was going to have to ask for a bigger bed one day just to account for her damn cat.

As for how much Lexa had been drinking, well there was an empty wine bottle on the little window seat and another half-empty one beside it and Lexa was leaning on the door a little more heavily than she ever would normally around company.]

Where do you work I forgot to ask. [Lexa says, then takes the glass of water and has a sip of it.] Thank you. You can come in if you want. Or not. Whichever. Promise not to bite or hit you with any tails.

[Which... technically she could.]

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