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[Kova wasn't an ordinary cat, or even an ordinary panther since the fey had made him for Lexa specifically and he understood her all too plainly. Which meant he got the general notion that Rowan was a friend and so after sniffing their hand he nudges against it, agreeable enough to get pet.]

She definitely would've added my bed to the list of casualties if she heard me talking to you, that's for sure.

[Should Lexa be bothered about hot girl who can tear apart wood and break marble? Maybe. Is she? Nope.]

No, no I should've known because I know Beau very well. Not that I go there much. She might actually tie me to one of the.... nevermind. I don't mind drinking alone. Being around people is weird.

[Heck yes, Rowan will take that hint, stroking Kova's head all the way down to behind his ears and scratching there gently. For someone who said animals don't like them, they sure know what they're doing, and aren't put off by his size either. Though they also seem over the moon for the opportunity, smiling brightly as they continue with clever fingers.]

Oh, well, if you're visiting her in off hours I ain't going to be there. I like her, and my job well enough, but I spend enough time on her ship. [Look, it's fairy fuckland. Rowan isn't here to judge anyone for being tied to anything by anyone.]

And Ren can live. It's better to talk about this shit then let it fester. I'm glad you said something. [Not so much about the dutch courage, but Lexa's an adult, she can drink herself into a stupor if she likes. It's not like Rowan has a leg to stand on here anyway.]

[Congrats Rowan: you got a new best friend in the shape of one very languid, happy panther who was definitely no longer a cub no matter what Lexa said. Better still, he purrs as he gets stroked and scratched, rolling around and preening and showing Rowan all the best spots.]

Not off hours. Just not in a while. [Lexa has to pause a second there and wonder if she just somehow admitted to fucking Beau in her office while everyone was aboard. Which, you know, she had.... but still. Drinking was such a dangerous game around here. Back home her secrets were the kind she would never drunkenly ramble about.]

Ren is very, very alive. Usually, it's nice. Less so when she acts like she's got a dick to swing and makes me sound like an old wise woman at the grand age of twenty-two.

[One of the advantages of spending a lot of time around wolves is that you quickly pick up on the signals for 'pet me here!'. The cat versions might be a little different, but overall Rowan's better than the average human at picking up Kova's hints about where their hand should move next, smiling at him while they talk to Lexa.

And bursting out laughing at her description of Ren.]

God, she really does act like that. She makes me feel like a fucking parent and all. Part of the package though, innit? [They glance up at Lexa and grin at her. They don't envy her for her choice in crush.]

It seems to be. I would not mind except when we are naked and I have to school her like she is one of my natblidas it is... a strange moment.

[If cats could laugh Kova definitely would be at that statement.]

She is... unlike others I have been with before. [Not that the list is long.]

Wait, schooling her in how to have sex? Or just because she goes off on one, being Ren? Because yeah, I could see that. [Unless she really was bluffing about her experience with women, just because she wanted to compete against Silent?]

No, not sex... though actually. Do you know how hard it is to return the favour with her???? She wants to shove her hand down my pants and then fly out the door like she thinks you two are spying from the fucking window. [Lexa would not normally be so candid, but Ren confused her and worse, had hurt her and she didn't know what to make of any of it anymore.]

She does leap to some very unhelpful conclusions sometimes, though. Like when she decides I'm clearly kicking her out as I try to talk her into bed with me. You would think I had the plague or a second head.

[Rowan sits up straighter, a small frown wiping their usual from from their face. They've heard of men justifying themselves sleeping with other men by refusing to be on the receiving end, and they can't help but wonder if Ren's running something similar unconsciously. The more they hear, the more this sounds like this is affecting Ren just as much as Lexa, even if Ren is either unaware, or pretending to be.]

You would think that she'd be at least smart enough to realise that we ain't a problem; Silent's shacked up with Peony, and I'm, well, me. She knows my Mums are gay too.

[They rub their face tiredly.] Look, there ain't going to be an easy fix to this. Our society as fucked us all over one way or another. But I will try, okay?

And try not to let it get to you. I know being rejected like that can... well, it lingers. [Okay, they've never been rejected by someone that they had a crush on, but that's just because they don't do crushes. It's not much better to be half way to shagging someone only for them to turn around and declare that because you don't have the body they expected they're no longer down for this.]

I did try to tell her that, but I don't know anything apparently. Also, she wasn't really hearing me... [As one tended to not when they were too upset. And so it goes.]

She didn't just reject me, Rowan. The love of my life put a knife to my throat. I could handle her not being into me.

She rejected... I do not know the gonasleng for it, and in trig we do not... [That the fairies provided translations to everyone, real-time, did not mean everyone got the words to express themselves if their own societies did not know or possibly need them. Lexa flops on her bed, annoyed and graceless and definitely almost on Kova who jumps off the bed just in time, smacking the side of her head with his tail on his way. Ow.]

She rejected what you are, not who you are. A piece of your identity. [Rowan reaches out to put their hand gently over hers.]

‘S why it lingers. Don’t matter if someone don’t want you, but when they don’t want to recognise your place in the world, or the world as you know it, that stings. Even more so when it’s someone you care for.

She's rejecting part of herself, too. A part of her that I have seen, a part of her I know she wants to at least not entirely ignore even if it is not the part she will choose when the time comes to... settle down or however it goes. I wouldn't know, natblida's are never long for the world, we do not have the time for such things even if our people didn't try to discourage it.

I do not see why sleeping with women as a woman would ever be a problem... There are no complications beyond those of the heart, which can happen in any combination.

[Lexa pats the bed beside her.]

You can sit. I won't bite.

[Rowan doesn’t need further encouragement to flop down beside her, toeing their shoes off, and then tucking their feet up under them.]

It were only 50 years ago where we’re from that it were legal for two men to sleep together. Before that, if you was caught, you could get sent to jail or “feminised”. [They drop air quotes, their tone full of distaste.] My Mums could only get married six years ago. My gender ain’t recognised, ‘cos I ain’t a man or a woman. When we was born, me and Ren, teachers weren’t allowed to talk about us in school because that was “promoting our lifestyle”.

And our country is good with this stuff, Lexa. There’s places where being what we are’d get you killed. That’s what you’re up against with her. It ain’t nice, not at all, but all through our history people have hidden themself to keep safe.

And the worst part is, there ain’t no reason for it. People decided we were bad, and so for the last two thousand years they’ve been trying to get rid of us. That’s it. Because we’re different. Because they don’t think we’re normal.

[Lexa listens in silence, staring at the ceiling like it could offer her some wisdom or let her talk to the other Commanders once more. Without the flame she cannot hold all the memories, but she still knows the gist of things and she is certain enough that if these things were once true they had not been true even before the first great fire. Becca's people no more cared if someone was gay or queer or otherwise different than her own did. All that mattered was that a person did their job, filled their place in society, helped when they could for the betterment of all.

Who you were attracted too, what you called yourself, how you felt did not hinder those things, it was not a sin, not a burden, not a horror.]

There are many things that I deserve to die for. So many, I couldn't begin to tell you before the sun rose and set again. Not that, though. Ironically, since I kind of did die for that even if the bullet was meant for my love and not for me.

If you were among my people you would be accepted as you are. If I had not been born a natblida, I could've had any girl I loved who loved me in return and no one would have batted an eyelash. Life is too short to believe otherwise, and the world full of actual injustices to chase and deal out justice for.

How could they do those things?

'Cos people are mean and cruel and don't like people what are different to them. [Rowan sighs, leaning back on her. Probably best not to even go into the various other ways humans (and Garou) have been dreadful to one another over the course of history.]

No, not everyone. And things are changing, slowly. But it ain't gone enough yet that people can live without coming under the influence of it somehow.

My people are tribalistic, sometimes petty, perhaps even savage but they are still not... whatever makes that a hill to die on. It is a matter for nature, not choice. You can join another tribe that better aligns with your values, but you cannot change who you are or how you love. For all the brave and good men I have known I have never wanted a single one of them that way...

[Rowan knew these things, of course. Lexa was really just thinking aloud at this point. She sighs softly.]

I wish there was somewhere real people could have peace. I was trying for my people before I died...

[Rowan squeezes her hand again.] Just means you're one of the good ones. And a good leader too.

A good leader is worth no more than a bad one if she is dead... yet I do not regret that Titus hit me instead of Clarke. Which is a selfish thing, in the weirdest possible way. I could not do that again, have my lover die because they were with me.

I can only home my spirit chose wisely. [Lexa squeezes their hand back, turning to look at Rowan a bit better.] Are you happy here? Not twisting in the wind like Ren? Do you need anything?

Eh, when you go back you said you’d be that... flame thingie? Right? Advising the next leader. So you will still have influence.

And I’m good. It’s nice here, I don’t have to do anything except for look out for my friends and simply be. [And said friends are what’s keeping homesickness from dragging them down. It’s easy to lose yourself in your friend’s problems and put your own aside, especially when there’s no cure.]

There is a chance that my influence will not be of much use. There was a natblida discovered not long before I died, trained by Nia - my enemy. She is older than the others and not prone to following laws. It is possible she could outmatch even all of the children combined and slaughter them.

Then we may well have another sheidheda on our hands...

You seem like a good friend. All of you are, most of the time. Poolside rants notwithstanding.

If that does happen, then you just have to haunt the shit out of her until she sees things your way. [Rowan grins at her brightly, trying to lift her spirits. And also it's true. She might not be able to make things physically difficult for the person that follows her, but she'll have to make things as difficult as she is able to.]

All of us? Me and Ren, and? [Silent?]

I will certainly try. Fate owes me though, so I hope Aden was successful. Any of the children will help Clarke. They swore to me. They loved me... I only wish I lived longer so they could as well.

Milla. She is weirdly sturdy for her size. And possibly killed a deer with her hands. I never quite got around to confirming after she jumped me. Still nice.

[Probably not with her hands Rowan thinks, with a half smile. Silent probably took the smarter direction in just admitting to not being human but refusing to say what she is.]

Silent's nice. She's complicated and uncomplicated at the same time. And I don't have to worry about her appearing in the baths any more. [Rowan grins.] You know what Max and Lucas did for me? Asked for a shower in my room, so I don't even have to use the baths any more! [Yep, just moving this conversation along nothing to see here.]

What's a shower? [She is blessedly easily distracted tonight, and though she may have seen a shower before - she's not sure - she can't quite connect the word to what it is.]

We had baths at home but like... old barrels and steel tubs filled by jug. If you were lucky they were by a fire. That or we bathed in the river.

Oh man, you've never had a shower! It's great, like being under a warm waterfall or sommat. [Rowan has never been under a waterfall. But they can imagine!]

Warm water pouring from over your head constantly so you can wash everything off clean! You're welcome to pop round and see anytime if you want. I can piss off if you want to try it.

That does sound pleasant. [Especially given Rowans discomfort at being in the baths, however luxurious they were.]

I don't care if you see me naked, you know.

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Cw: real world anti LGBT+ stances

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timey wimey means I have no idea if this is before or after Rowan was told soooooo

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