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[The last thing they need right now is another crisis of love on their hands, but Rowan just can't stop themself. It's not just that they feel bad for not speaking to Ren sooner, they also feel for Lexa and how confused and disappointed she must feel right now. And that touch of innocence, that lack of knowledge about homophobia and all it entails, they want to protect that, for as much as they can now, because the idea of a world where that doesn't exist? That's an idea worth protecting.]

Look, I can't pretend to know how Ren feels. But if she really waited for you like that... People don't always act rational when they're torn between what they want and what they think they can't have.

Sometimes we push people away to stop ourselves from getting too close. It don't make her right if that's what she's doing, the opposite really. And it don't mean that you have to let her get away with it, neither. It just might be why.

[It must be strange that such a wild world of cruel people end up having strange soft points, lines that even they wouldn't cross. At the end of the day your clan was your clan and all that mattered was that you weren't a traitor or one of those monsterous men spat out by the mountain.

The rest was just details. Do your job, however small. Try to survive. Be loyal. Nothing else mattered much.]

I know what it is to act irrationally... I just - but then I have had a problem with fully giving up on anything I wanted even when it went against my people's teachings.

Clarke told me life should be about more than just surviving... I don't have a life after this, just a spot in the flame. So I have tried to live while I can. I.. she and I... I don't know what it is. But it was nice. And I think she likes it too. Or did?

I do miss her. [But it hurts to hear what she said again and again in her head and it's senseless and thoughtless and uncharacteristically, in Lexa's opinion, cruel.] She is better than this. I can see it in her.

She is. [Rowan agrees to that easily; they've seen it for themself. And they probably shouldn't tell Lexa this, but she deserves to know.]

I know Ren acts all tough and strong and stuff, but I think under that she's actually pretty lost. Don't tell her I said that, but... In terms of home she's pretty young. Still trying to figure out how to make her way in the world.

Beau said something like that... and I know too.

I suppose I am just more accustomed to people working out how to shoulder even things they should by no means be able to carry. As much as I knew in life, as long as I reigned. my people could never prepare me for a place like this and those who inhabit it. And I spent most of my life away from the common people unless there was something dire at hand.

Before the pool I was trying to just be steady for her. Tell her when she fucked up, but not leave. Be there when she found it in herself to calm down. Perhaps I took the wrong approach. Or did not impress upon her enough that it wasn't a falsehood or a trick.

You had a harder life than us in lots of ways. In comparison, she's real sheltered. You said you took the throne at 12, right? She only became an adult... I think she said six months before she came here, and only moved out from home a month or so before. She ain't had nothing to shoulder before. And she ain't had a chance to move out from under her parents' gaze neither.

But like I said, that don't mean you gotta fix her. She'll take a lot of work, and it ain't on your back to do that. It's up to you to decide if she's worth it or not. But whether you do or not, I'm going to try and get it through to her 'cos she needs to learn. So there's that.

Twelve. Yes. But I had been training since I could walk. Natblidas never get to rest or be weak or know their parents in most cases. I did not know my own, not even their names.

[And that's sad too, but Lexa sounds resigned to the fact. A Heda's family must be all of her people. It was not a pillar of the Commander but it was good sense. The initiates kept their clan name, but nothing else. No family. No siblings unless they were unfortunate to be taken late or their parents unfortunate to have two that get noticed - or they offered up. Like Luna and her brother.

But Lexa wasn't like them. Her only sort of parent was Anya, who had been little more than a girl herself when she had plucked Lexa up and took her under her wing to train her.]

I cannot really imagine what it is like to have all of that to worry about it, despite my own pressures and concerns.

No one can fix anyone else. She must realise on her own what she wants, and if it is worth more than the shame she felt when I foolishly thought I could kiss the girl who so often kissed me. But I'm dead, Rowan, all I've got is time and I'm not going anywhere fast.

Yeah, that's true, but I can give her a good shove towards the road and hope to hell she finds it, 'cos I ain't putting up with her stringing ladies along just 'cos she's too deep in Narnia to figure herself out. [And as her alpha, it's their job to take care of her, and that also means not letting her get hurt over this either.]

And dead you might be, but that don't stop you from having the right to choose who you spend your time and effort on. But if you do decide that she's worth it, then she's a lucky lady.

...What is Narnia? [That part trips Lexa up because: what even???] I mean, I think I get the point.

I knew she was trouble since before we said a word to each other. I still wanted her. Which is stupid, I'm pretty sure her eyes glaze over - possibly in terror - any time I talk at length. But she's... [Warm. And sweet. And she had so much potential.]

[Oh shit right.

How to explain that reference?] It's a place from a story in my world that you access through a closet. Um. What I'm trying to say is she's denying who she is.

Trouble is a pretty good word for Ren, I think. You know, it gets used as an endearment quite a lot where I'm from? [Pointedly, and with a little chuckle.]

Hey, look, I need to go to close up, but then I'm free. Do you want me to come check up on you on the way back to my room? I guess I'll be about half an hour, maybe an hour.

Interesting metaphor. [Sorry Rowan most of the worlds lit died in the fire.]

Fitting, I suppose. I always had a taste for women who liked to bite off more than they could chew.

Mmmn... If you want. My door has a black mask painted on it, like my facepaint. In winter.

Oh I have a pnther for a pet he doesn't bite. Well. He might bite Ren now...

Oh. Animals don't really like me. He might want to bite me too. [Fight or flight is usually the question when it comes to Garou and animals, and a panther, they figure, is more likely to fall on the fight side.]

He likes everyone. Usually Ren, too... Though he does hit her with his tail a lot when she's being... herself. She gets weirdly competitive with him.

He likes Milla too. If it's a world thing. Which. I dunno. None of you smell funny to me.

[Yeah she had definitely drunk at least a bit.]

To be fair, if I had a tail I'd want to hit Ren with it sometimes too. [They're just not going to confirm or deny if it's a world thing, because, well. Yes.]

But if he's not going to try and have a go at me, I'll come by soon as I can. [And bring some water for her, and maybe a snack to try and soak up some of the booze.]

Mmmn... me too. Which might be why he does it actually. He can understand me.

Kova will be a good boy. Heda's honour.

See you shortly, then. Don't drink yourself to sleep in the meanwhile.

[They rush through cleaning up, and set off to the castle at a quick pace, but falter a bit when they reach Winter. They do know it fairly well, thanks to Jackie, but they have no idea what her face paint looks like. But when they come across a door with black paint on it, they figure that's a fair enough guess, and knock on it.]

Lexa?

[When Lexa answers the door she isn't tripping over herself or even the big mountain lion she still called a cub who came to the door with her to inspect the stranger and protect his mother if need be. She has definitely been drinking, though, and more than that her eyes are puffy from tears that she had long since dried away. She was dressed merely in a black nightgown, it split along the side almost to her hip and it was held up only by spaghetti straps. Her hair was down, loose over her shoulder.

Lexa pulls the door open, wide.

Her room is much the same as anyone else's... if you ignored the throne in the corner. No big deal.]

Thank you for coming. Sorry about the... messaging and the hour and [she waves her hand as if to say "everything".]

[Rowan eyes the cat, and then the throne, before Lexa herself, but they just offer her a smile and a glass of water. They're still dressed, all in black, with a faint smell of stale beer lingering around their cuffs.]

Hey, no worries. It's not like I wasn't up anyway, and work is mostly dead by this point.

[They do take another surreptitious glance over her shoulder into the room to try and figure out how much she's been drinking though.]

[Kova seems satisfied enough that Rowan wasn't about to eat Lexa's face and so after curling around Lexa's legs protectively for a few moments he saunters back over and plops himself on the end of the bed.

She was going to have to ask for a bigger bed one day just to account for her damn cat.

As for how much Lexa had been drinking, well there was an empty wine bottle on the little window seat and another half-empty one beside it and Lexa was leaning on the door a little more heavily than she ever would normally around company.]

Where do you work I forgot to ask. [Lexa says, then takes the glass of water and has a sip of it.] Thank you. You can come in if you want. Or not. Whichever. Promise not to bite or hit you with any tails.

[Which... technically she could.]

With Beau down on the Revelry. [A bottle and a half? That's a decent amount, and explains how soaked she is. Oh well, what are friends for aside from to make sure you don't drunk dial your crush?

They slip past her into the room, grinning at her as they do.] A bite or a slap ain't the worst you could do to me, but I guess I'll risk it. Someone's got to make sure you make it into bed safely.

Oh. I should've known that. [For like a dozen reasons, not the least of which it was Beau's ship and she should visit her there at least from time to time but Lexa hadn't been making too many even semi-public gestures in the last few months. Oops.]

Stabbing friends is generally frowned upon. My bed is safe though. I don't think there's any rabid furniture destroying Ren's in there, she definitely would've said something by now. Or Kova would've bit her. [Such a good cat.]

[Rowan chuckles, crossing over to the bed, but to offer a hand out to Kova to sniff, wondering if he'll let them pet him. Frumpkin did, after all, so maybe Kova will too.]

Bit hard to miss Ren when she's around, I'm pretty sure you'd have noticed.

And don't worry about the work thing, there's much better places here to drink, and I assume you ain't much of a gambler. Better places than your room as well, I'd add.

[Kova wasn't an ordinary cat, or even an ordinary panther since the fey had made him for Lexa specifically and he understood her all too plainly. Which meant he got the general notion that Rowan was a friend and so after sniffing their hand he nudges against it, agreeable enough to get pet.]

She definitely would've added my bed to the list of casualties if she heard me talking to you, that's for sure.

[Should Lexa be bothered about hot girl who can tear apart wood and break marble? Maybe. Is she? Nope.]

No, no I should've known because I know Beau very well. Not that I go there much. She might actually tie me to one of the.... nevermind. I don't mind drinking alone. Being around people is weird.

[Heck yes, Rowan will take that hint, stroking Kova's head all the way down to behind his ears and scratching there gently. For someone who said animals don't like them, they sure know what they're doing, and aren't put off by his size either. Though they also seem over the moon for the opportunity, smiling brightly as they continue with clever fingers.]

Oh, well, if you're visiting her in off hours I ain't going to be there. I like her, and my job well enough, but I spend enough time on her ship. [Look, it's fairy fuckland. Rowan isn't here to judge anyone for being tied to anything by anyone.]

And Ren can live. It's better to talk about this shit then let it fester. I'm glad you said something. [Not so much about the dutch courage, but Lexa's an adult, she can drink herself into a stupor if she likes. It's not like Rowan has a leg to stand on here anyway.]

[Congrats Rowan: you got a new best friend in the shape of one very languid, happy panther who was definitely no longer a cub no matter what Lexa said. Better still, he purrs as he gets stroked and scratched, rolling around and preening and showing Rowan all the best spots.]

Not off hours. Just not in a while. [Lexa has to pause a second there and wonder if she just somehow admitted to fucking Beau in her office while everyone was aboard. Which, you know, she had.... but still. Drinking was such a dangerous game around here. Back home her secrets were the kind she would never drunkenly ramble about.]

Ren is very, very alive. Usually, it's nice. Less so when she acts like she's got a dick to swing and makes me sound like an old wise woman at the grand age of twenty-two.

[One of the advantages of spending a lot of time around wolves is that you quickly pick up on the signals for 'pet me here!'. The cat versions might be a little different, but overall Rowan's better than the average human at picking up Kova's hints about where their hand should move next, smiling at him while they talk to Lexa.

And bursting out laughing at her description of Ren.]

God, she really does act like that. She makes me feel like a fucking parent and all. Part of the package though, innit? [They glance up at Lexa and grin at her. They don't envy her for her choice in crush.]

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