Ainmhian IC Inbox

[ralliesprotests]

Good afternoon, you've reached Rowan Lewis at Gay Agenda dot Com.
Unfortunately it's no longer the 90s, so feel free to leave a message after the beep but I ain't gonna check it.
Text me like a normal person. BEEP.

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[ralliesprotests]

[Rowan's quiet for a good moment or so, their fingers still slowly winding through her hair. Finding the right words has never been an issue to them, it's always finding the right angle to come from. How can they craft what they want to say in a way that she'll understand the best? And that's harder than it is back home in this place, without their gift, and without the shared history and mythology that they so often tap into.]

I know you ain't, Lexa. You were a leader in a time of war - a strong leader. You've made choices I never could.

But the fact is, that you ain't never had the choice in the first place. You was never asked if you wanted this life. You keep saying, if you wasn't Commander, things could have been different, you could have lived happy with the woman you loved. That's what I wish for you. That you'd had that choice, between that life and the one you had; not now, after living your life and the loves in it, but before there was anything to influence the decision. And I know it can't happen, 'cos we can't change our history, but I hope you can have a taste of it here at least.

[hedalexa]

I would have never met her if I wasn't me. She stormed my tent after she killed three hundred of my men, after she'd met my mentor, Anya, who convinced her I could be reasoned with. After I camped my army outside her gates because one of her friends had wiped out a village while looking for her.

If I was just Leksa I would have never met her. She wouldn't have looked at me twice.

We had hoped there would be a point in the future where we could just... be.

Nothing here is the same as her. Even when it is close it is just as forbidden. It simply must be endured until the fey get sick of me and send me back to whatever is left of me in the flame. Dreaming of her.

[ralliesprotests]

That's what I mean, I wouldn't ask you to make that choice now. Not when you have all of that behind you.

But I still think you deserve happiness. Whatever kind you can find here. And you can't change my mind on that.

[hedalexa]

Ren's wrong, of course. [Lexa says softly.] About liking women.

But no matter what you say, and if I ought to have smacked her for behaving as she did or not, it might be fairer on her to keep away from me. It is not fair to anyone that I cannot stop loving Clarke.

[ralliesprotests]

If Ren deserves you after what she did is a question to be asked, and if you're ready or want to love again is another, but fairness don't come into the equation, not right now at least. Let's see if Ren can learn the error of her ways, first, and if you still want a relationship with her, and then that might be something to ask.

[Rowan strokes Lexa's hair gently, curling around her protectively. They wish they could free Lexa from such melancholy thoughts, but they seem to keep leading her down the wrong path. It doesn't help that they know that theoretically some people can only love one person at once, but that's not their experience of the world.] Maybe things will seem clearer with some sleep and less booze?

[hedalexa]

Not usually. [Lexa says while letting herself snuggle against Rowan and rest there.] Rested and sober there is no one better at controlling themselves to how they are supposed to be, not how they might want to be.

[ralliesprotests]

Ain't that the truth. But it does make it easier to think clear. [They continue to stroke her hair, gentle and soothing. Maybe they can lull her into sleep this way.]

[hedalexa]

I think just fine. That's the problem. I've always been more mature than my age. [She says softly. There was never any choice.] I always saw the path ahead as clear as if I was already on it.

[ralliesprotests]

[Rowan sighs softly, continuing to stroke her hair. Another sign of how quickly she had to grow up.] Yeah, well, drink too much and you'll wander off the path. And that's when you gotta call the big bad wolf to come help you figure out what name to shout. [They chuckle, playfully nosing into her. Clearly they are the biggest and baddest of wolves. But hopefully the self-deprecating humour will shift her line of thinking towards something more positive.]

[hedalexa]

You really weren't much help there. [Lexa grumbles.]

Not overly big or bad either. [She definitely doesn't get the story reference, despite her delving more and more into various mythology and folklore the longer she's here.]

[ralliesprotests]

Can't help when I don't know! [Cheerfully. Who even knows what Ren's surname is. They're pretty sure she couldn't tell Lexa theirs.]

Tell you what, I'll try and find out for next time she fucks up, okay?

[hedalexa]

So... tomorrow? [Lexa asks, not entirely being playful about it. If there was one thing Ren knew how to do with an expert level of skill it was get in trouble.]

[ralliesprotests]

Well, yeah, when you put it like that... [Rowan rolls their eyes, but playfully.] As soon as possible?

[hedalexa]

I believe there is a corny phrase about trouble being someone's middle name, if it's not hers it definitely should be. So doubtlessly soon, yes.

[ralliesprotests]

You know, I'm not sure she wouldn't answer if you called out trouble, so.

[hedalexa]

...True she'd probably enjoy that as a name.