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Well, to be able to do that, I ...acquired a skill. [His expression loses some of the joviality that normally is the primary marker of his expression, turning serious, distant, uncomfortable. He doesn't particularly like to remember how he felt before his first successful attempt at reshaping flesh - bone had still been necessary to learn, but fleshcrafting had been the landmark skill.]

Wasn't easy, it's very jealously guarded by the clan that developed it, but I did. It just - once I learned about it, I knew I had to have it. No matter the cost.

I got lucky. [He gives a lopsided smile, and some fondness enters his voice.] I happened to befriend a member of that clan, who after almost two years agreed to teach me. For a price, but - as I said. They don't usually teach it to normal people like me.

[He has been watching Rowan's expression the entire time he's talking, careful to observe their reactions, and at this junction pauses to give them an opportunity to react or interject if they should want to.]

[Jackie's tone goes dark, and Rowan tenses. Is this going be a lecture about what they did to their body? Because they've had that one before and they're not taking it again.

They're so wrapped up in the thought, that while they are listening, the words don't quite sink in, they don't quite grasp that he's talking about something outside of the mundane means in which one can change their presentation. They do notice Jackie's pause, though.] Okay? But you know I'm not a woman, right?

[Well, hell's sake.

Clearly that was the wrong approach. He thought it would work better, if he tried and opened up about himself to head this off with, tried to connect through offering something vulnerable of himself - if anyone could understand, he'd though, it would be Rowan -, and instead he got the Brit judging him. Great.

Well, clearly it's time for a change of methods. He closes off, shoving all the memories he'd meant to lay out between them back into the box that he keeps them in.]

[And then he pastes his usual behaviour back over all those feelings, his expression returning to a carefree smile, his body relaxing, hanging sideways over the arm of the sofa as he spreads his arms out in a gesture of "chill, man, I know". It's many things - habit, weapon, life insurance - and right now it's a line of defence.]

If course I know that. That's not what this is about. It's just that I noticed that those of your parts that do align with what most women have on their bodies aren't functional in quite the same way as theirs, for the purpose of sexual encounters.

[Rowan closes off completely, grey eyes going hard. They don't mean to, it's protective, as they try to stop thinking, try to dislocate themself from the feeling of disgust that racks through them. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't been thinking so much about Vax and his change flower potion so much lately, if they hadn't been feeling like they were disappointing Max by struggling to accommodate him, if they hadn't spent so many times wishing that they could show a partner their arousal - partners including Jackie. Fingers clench into the arm of the chair, knuckles white.]

I'm sorry if I didn't function like you expected. I understand if you don't want to do it again. [Their tone is oddly formal, distant. Cutting themself off from the hurt.]

[Jackie shrugs and stands in one combined movement, not as a means of towering over Rowan, but as means of stepping away.]

I meant to offer you help with getting those functions fixed. [He sounds positively chipper now, like Rowan just told him a great joke.] But seeing that that's clearly not wanted, I'll leave you to it.

And I'm indeed not interested in trying again, now. [The only reason that he did agree to what he did with Rowan was that he trusted them with ...all those things that he'd rather just skip over, because they seemed to have an understanding of those things that he, Jackie himseld, doesn't have, an understanding that was even greater than what he'd found in Brian. Or so he'd thought. But apparently Brian's understanding had been greater after all. Well. Sometimes you just horribly misjudge.

He curses himself, curses how much he's already said. Way too much, for it to end like this.]

Help? [Rowan's brow wrinkles, as the word sticks out, jarring across their protective barrier. Suddenly their mouth drops open, as the pieces fall together, the realisation hitting them like a brick.] Jackie, are you telling me...

[They jump to their feet, grabbing Jackie's hand with both their hands, but keeping a good distance between them. Their eyes, which had been so lifeless a moment ago are now bright with hope and disbelief, and a fragility that they rarely let show.]

Are you telling me you have magic that can, that can make everything function as standard? [If they're not reading this right, they're not sure how they'll be able to handle it. Their heart is fluttering in their chest like a bird in a cage as the offer to fix the last of their dysphoria drifts into focus, like an oasis appearing in a desert. They just hope that it isn't a mirage.]

[Talk about mood whiplash. Maybe not for the first time in his life, but for the first time in a good long while, there is jut Too Much - too many emotions, too much whiplash, too many reactions, too many questions and different expectations going on at once for him to think on his feet.

Or react in a coherent way at all, too busy with trying to figure out how Rowan suddenly got from judging him to being this excited.]

Of course I can. [He just sounds... lost, and confused.]

[Rowan sags back, sitting down heavily on the arm of the chair they were sitting in, head spinning. How?]

I didn't... that's not a thing I've ever heard of. [Their voice is breathy, trying to take this in, and then a thought manages to surface.]

Permanently?

Yeah, permanently. [With very few exceptions, all of which are supernatural afflictions, he can alter anything permanently. So he's perfectly confident in this claim.

He's - still not sure what to think of all of this. And he needs that clear before they continue this conversation.]

I'm not in the mood for helping you out like that if you're judging my choices, though.

Your choices? [Rowan puzzles for a moment, and then,]

Fuck, Jackie, no. No! [They take a sharp breath, resisting the urge to wrap their hands around him, instead holding his hand tighter.] I would never judge you, never! [They're horrified that Jackie was able to read that from their reaction, aching with sympathetic pain.

They take a deep breath, trying to slow this down, trying to dial it back to where things went wrong.] I'm so sorry, I messed this all up. I thought... people have rejected me before for it. I know it's not ideal, it's just better than... [another deep breath, the exhale jagged as they bare things they'd rather not talk about.]

But I think you understand that, right? [They ask, looking Jackie in the eye. Yes, he claimed not to before, but it's been niggling away at them, and this misunderstanding all but confirms that.] At least somewhat.

[He doesn't fully relax, not yet. Because-]

I went back on it. [His shrug is dismissive, brushing off an attack before it can even get started by devaluing his own experience.] On living as a woman. I thought it would fix... things, but it didn't. And frankly, living as a guy makes a lot of things easier. [It's workable, anyway. Because he has to make it work. Because the other option didn't feel less wrong. Being a beautiful man, knowing he can keep working on himself, it's okay.]

Brian understood. That's the friend who taught me. He did something similar when he got the option. Not with physical sex, but- Going back on a change.

[It's not very coherent, he realises, and tries to sum up what he's trying to say as:] I've had people not react well to having gone back on living as a woman before. So- He shakes his head. For all his faults, he is fairly self aware.] So when you reacted negatively, that's what I heard. [But that's not what you meant, is it? hangs in the air, unspoken.]

[Rowan takes a deep breath. It makes sense. And they understand, possibly too much. They squeeze Jackie's hand, stepping in just a little bit closer to him.]

I lived as a woman - well, as a girl really - for over five years. It felt amazing at first, like everything was finally slotting into place, like the world finally made sense, before the cracks started to show.

I almost went back as well. I think I maybe would have done, if there wasn't someone else non-binary, someone else like me, in the trans group I was going to. [Maybe. They don't want to imagine what they might have been like if they'd gone down that path.]

Anyway, my point is, I could never judge you for that, because I'd have to judge myself for the same. You're valid to me in any form that you're in, however you chose to present. I'd never want to undermine that, accidentally or not, and I'm sorry for it. [They're too handsy for this, struggling not to pull Jackie into them. Instead, in a desperate attempt to deal with their need for physical affection, they lift Jackie's hand to their lips and place an apologetic kiss to the back of it, forcing themself not even to linger but to keep it brief.]

[He looks at Rowan in surprise at that. That's... really not an answer that he expected. Up until now, Brian had been the closest to his own experience - but now there's someone who did almost the same thing, albeit at a much younger age, and then...

didn't go all the way back. He tucks the thought away for later, to turn it over and over again in the early hours of the morning, probably.]

...thank you. [And, for probably the first time, Rowan will see Jackie actually, genuinely smile - it's softer, quieter, than his usual smiles, grins and smirks, and also brief and fleeting, but it's there, and stick around for a few seconds before his expression turns serious, somewhat akin to the expression that he started the conversation with.] I'm sorry that I picked my words badly, too. [He doesn't know how, exactly, but he obviously did, or Rowan wouldn't have reacted the way they did.]

...That out of the way, though, yes. I can alter bodies permanently. In big and in small ways. [And he's slipping back into his usual self, grinning and indicating himself.] Do you really think an artwork like this is just born that way?

[That soft smile catches Rowan off guard, at first surprised that it's so different than normal, and then realising what it means as relief washes over them that they haven't completely fucked things over with Jackie.

And then he does go back to normal, and for a moment Rowan's confused, before they realise how protective a personality like that might be for someone who doesn't have the terminology for what they - almost certainly - are.

They relax as well, gently tugging on Jackie's hand, indicating that he should follow them, and then head back to the sofa that Jackie was occupying before, flopping down in one corner and resisting the urge to cuddle up to him.]

I don't believe for a second that you were ever a minger. [They grin back, letting Jackie pull the mask back over.] So are you, like, a wizard as well, or is it some sort of innate power type thing? Did you get bitten by a radioactive spider? [Is it something Rowan can learn?]

[He follows Rowan back to the sofa and sits down at the other end of it.] I was pretty plain and boring, originally. [Never ugly, just... not much to look at. And also just, well, much more obviously male.

At the actual question, though - he scratches his neck, thinking. How to put this in a way that is consistent with the truth while omitting some important base facts...] You need a base condition that is easy enough to acquire in my home world, if you know the right people, but I doubt you could acquire it here. [True - siring or ghouling are pretty out, by what he's been told, and he's not interested in either anyway.] Once you have that base condition, it's just a lot of studying to get the magical ability, and well. You have to be good at craft and art, as well.

Think about it like this - the magical ability allows me to treat human skin, flesh and bone and everything else like clay. But to actually shape clay into something beautiful, it takes artistic skill. [To use an example that Rowan knows:] Anyone can throw colour at another person. But you've seen how realistically I can paint scales - I could also give a person actual, real scales with this magical ability. But they'd only look good for the same reason that my painted scales look good.

[And yes, he's very proud of how well he can use the Discipline to create really, really good looking products.]

Edited 2020-09-07 20:43 (UTC)

[The idea of Jackie being plain and boring is so at odds with, well, Jackie, that they can’t imagine that, either. But they listen to him as they fold their legs up underneath them again, getting comfortable.]

I mean, I ain’t as good as you are, but I can draw. [Rowan feels like they need to get that out there.] That does make sense, though. You’re an artist. I could learn a skill but I couldn’t learn the flare what you have.

So you’d have to do it for me. What’s the catch? [It can’t be that easy, right? The world doesn’t just hand you this stuff on a plate.]

It takes a while. [As always, there's ways to do it much faster, but if he takes special care to get it as right as possible - and he will - it just takes time.]

It might be painful for you - strange, at the very least -, and it will exhaust me.

I might have to try a couple of times to really get it right, because while I've done it on myself more than once and all the research needed is already done, I'm not sure how well all of that translates to you. And we're working at a very high level here - anyone can move flesh and muscle. Getting nerve endings right is an art form - not in an elitist way, what I mean is that there's no scientific right answer to what is the best, it needs to be done and then you know, you take a step back and see if it works. Like moulding a bell.

And being done the first time and things not being quite right yet is ...stressful. But you probably know that better than me. [Because, he's back to thinking, Rowan does understand. Their experience isn't quite the same, but similar enough.

Time, physical toll, emotional toll. Is there another catch?]

[Right. There’s the kicker. Rowan curls their legs in closer to themself, resting their chin on their knees. Yes. They understand that all too well.

They’re touched that Jackie would offer to do it for them even though it would exhaust him, though.]

What would you be able to do? I don’t need the, the, um, other parts, I just want to be able to get wet and to stretch it properly. [To be able to sleep with Max without him worrying about hurting them.]

Quite frankly, the easiest for me would be to construct a fully functioning, standard set of parts - anything that my hands can reach, and that will be more as I go than what they could reach now. [He could add a grin here, but it would be misplaced and he stays serious.]

So if you want to, I could probably make your vagina a bit deeper, but I'd stop there.

[He keeps himself from commenting further, following up with the "other parts" comment, which he isn't sure if it means that Rowan doesn't WANT that or that they don't want to reach for the stars. He cannot give Rowan fertility (not anywhere, but particularly not here), or even just the necessary parts, not with the skill and knowledge he has now, and even if he could it would be a gruelling, potentially lethal process if he fucks up. Point being: He won't even mention it. No matter if Rowan would want it or not, it would just hurt them.]

Remove the scars, if you want. [And he does betray here that he looked very closely the other day, but he'll just have to hope that that won't set them back a step.] Move some nerve bundles, if you're interested - I couldn't quite get a read on what their exact distribution is, yesterday. As I said, nerves are an art form, but I'm pretty good at it.

If you just want more stretch and the ability to get wet, I can stick to that, too, though.

Edited 2020-09-08 07:53 (UTC)

Honestly, it still kind of sounds too good to be true. [Rowan admits.] I’ve had this set up for over five years now and it gets kind of... grating sometimes, you know? It’s a damn sight better than before, but sometimes...

[They trail off, letting the comment drop.] You don’t have to answer me if you’re not comfortable, but this is what you did to yourself, right? [Jackie has more or less said it already, but to be clear.]

Yes.

[That one, he can answer without any hesitation and honestly, it's simple enough to talk about. There's no hurt in it. If anything, it feels good.]

More than once, though I only kept it for a prolonged amount of time the once, after I'd finally figured out how to get it just right.

Two times in this place, there and back, so I know that it works here, too. [Once right after arriving, in a frantic quest to see if it did work. And a second time because he needed it for a sexual encounter. Which had been... not bad? He still can't quite make heads nor tails of if it had been better than the alternative, but it was good to have tried.]

[Rowan nods, glad to know that Jackie knows it still works here.] I’m surprised they didn’t take it off you. It seems like the less you have, the more they take. [But maybe they thought Jackie would be more likely to have sex if he had the power available, than if he needed to earn it back. They don’t think about it too much; there’s too much they don’t know about their captors and how they work.]

You said it’d take a lot of effort from you too. Can I help with that?

Not really, no. [Not without telling them things about themselves that they don't want to tell.]

And I wonder about that, too.

[It's a question he has asked himself, more than once. They cut down his strength and speed by half and took everything else but the bare necessities completely away. Why does he still have the entirety of Vicissitude?

But, he thinks, he's found the answer. Or at least an answer that would make sense. It's not a nice one, it's a very vulnerable one, but with the conversation they've just had he feels like Rowan is perhaps the one person that he can explain his idea to, that he wants to show that particular vulnerability to.]

I've thought about it a lot. And I think... [he'll use the fact that Rowan understands so much to skirt around having to explain some of this, keeping it short and to the point and vague where it being explicit would hurt.] Imagine if you had this ability, and then, living in a completely male body, had it taken from you.

I don't know how functional I would have been, how fun I would have been to watch.

And they want their entertainment functional and fun.

[Even though the idea had basically already occurred to Rowan, having it spelled out like that makes them shudder in a very personal way. They can all too easily picture it, remembering how frantic they had been to check that they could still change and their healing ability was still (at least somewhat) in place.]

Yeah. I’m glad they didn’t fuck around with it. And hey, that means less for you to have to earn back! Is there anything else you need once you have your shop? [It’s good for Jackie, but bad for Rowan. Hopefully they can get another couple of shags out of him before he has what he needs, though, especially if they are like last time.

...actually.]

I know you said I couldn’t help, but... people can give favour to one another. I don’t think I have a lot yet, but if, if I do take you up on this, could I help you that way?

[It’ll slow down their ability to earn back the things they want from home significantly, but it would only be fair.]

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Well that was a failed empathy check

and that was a botched empathy check - 1/2

2/2

tw: dysphoria

tw: dysphoria

Do not have an icon for all these emotions

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cw: dysphoria cont.

cw: dysphoria cont.

cw: dysphoria cont.

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cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

cw: discussion of creepy vampire fleshcraft used for gender affirmation surgery

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