ralliesprotests | Ainmhian IC Inbox

Hey, no problem! And yeah, I have time, whenever you want. ...well, not actually whenever because I work nights down on the Revelry, but outside of that.

Sometime soon? I can meet you somewhere in town, or you're always welcome to come down to my room if you want somewhere more private. I'm in the Spring Wing; anytime my door's open, you're welcome. [They don't bother giving more instructions than that, because only one room in the Spring Wing has a door sign with Rowan's name on. It was one of the first things they did after arriving.] If it's more comfortable for you, I can come to you too.

Yeah, I'm in Spring too, actually. Well, I live here, it's not...anyway.

Um, would you mind if we talked like this? I mean, it's okay if you do mind, we can meet up, just...sometimes it's easier to say stuff if I'm not looking at a person?

Oh yeah, sure, just... hold on a moment.

[Rowan takes a moment to secure the connection as much as possible, and then there's a bit more noise as they adjust themself, getting comfortable on the bed so they can focus on Vax. Personally they'd prefer to at least be able to see a face rather than speaking to the book, but they can deal with it for the sake of his comfort..]

Okay, I'm all yours. Go ahead.

So um, you're gonna see me around lookin' a bit different for the next week. There are a lot of weird magic flowers around here and my wife makes potions of them right? She knows about my...stuff, by the way, whatever this is, she's the first person I ever told actually, way before I had any idea what kind of words there were for this, anyway, so there's this one flower that changes your body. [He's not quite all the way to 'frenetic' but there's obviously a lot of thoughts he's trying to get out all at once -- three cheers for ADHD!]

Usually what that means is turning, you know, man parts into lady parts and vice versa. Anyway it usually takes effect when you wake up the morning after a dose and I took a dose today and I'm a little nervous but like, I've done it before, it's fine? The first time I did it I was not in any way prepared but the second time was a lot better and happier and I think this time will be good too but anyway is this, like, weird? I mean, spending a week with tits just...helps, sometimes? Not like, I mean, I still feel weird but it's like...I dunno like I get a dose of the other side and it's easier to deal with my regular body for awhile? Does that make any sense? Am I doing something weird here?

Right. Changeflower? [Rowan read the book, but to be honest they skipped over that one once they realised what it was, aside from studying the picture to make sure they could avoid it. They are glad that Vax has told his wife, though - it's important to have your partner on your side with something like this.]

You ain't doing anything weird. Not at all. There's no lasting effect, and it makes you feel better. You can't ask for much more, not while you're figuring stuff out. Will your wife be with you in the morning, though? Or someone else you trust? [Just because he sounds so anxious about it, having someone there for him probably isn't a bad idea. Their tone is soft, and soothing, though, trying to be calming even while they're searching for the answers for him. They wish they had the internet to look stuff up to help him, but since there's only them, they feel responsible to do what they can.]

You don't have to answer this, but if it's true and you don't want to say, just think on it next week to see where it leads you. Is it just the boobs that make you feel better, or the whole package? [Since that was particularly what he mentioned, but that could just be for decency's sake.]. ...Actually, if you can, now would be the time to think about the aspects from both bodies that you're happy with. Not just the parts, the way people treat you and expect you to act as well. Don't feel pressured to, though. If this time is important to help you feel comfortable with yourself as well, it's more important to make sure you get that out of it. Once it's faded would also be a good time to think about it.

Oh, fuck what's the name, uhh...Nightblooming Changeling, that's the one. I mean, all the flowers sort of get called other things sometimes. Grimm's Mercy gets called the subflower a lot, stuff like that. That King's Pride or whatever is the dickplant.

[He listens thoughtfully to Rowan's advice.] Okay, well, me and Keeks sleep in the same bed, she was the one who calmed me down the first time when I was completely panicking. That's a good question. It's not...I don't think it's the boobs in particular, no. I mean, they're fine. Mostly get in the way. I'll think about it though. I think I'm good with people...reacting to me like a man, you know? There are good parts to both. I'll think about it more while I'm in it.

Right. I read the book, but honestly, I skimmed that one, once I knew I could recognise it and avoid it. I have no idea what it'd do to me, but I really don't wanna know.

[They take a moment longer to consider the rest of what Vax says, though, thinking through it carefully.]

A combination of both is what keeps me comfortable. I mean, I specifically go out of my way to make sure people can't tell - until we get to the bedroom, obviously, there's no helping that - but as long as people are guessing I don't mind if they guess one way or the other. That's just me, though, and there's no right or wrong way to deal with this, just the way that works for you. Have you ever tried presenting as a woman without the potion? You'd probably pass if you wanted to.

Yeah, no, totally fair. I mean, it's also been known to do other shit. Friend of mine got turned into a tiefling, which is like, these half-demon people from the world I'm from? So, my best guess would be it would just change something else about you but probably best to just avoid.

I don't really recommend fucking with any of the wild flowers, to be honest, cause they can stay in you and come back later? But the potions don't do that, so, blanket warning, if you ever get curious about the aphro go for the potion. I'll get you one from Keeks if you don't wanna ask her directly. Most people don't, anyway, but you know. In case. [He knows Rowan is relatively new, and he just wants newbies to know the option is there to try stuff in a safe, controlled environment.]

I haven't, actually. I mean, not in this context. The thing is I have a twin sister, so like, I don't have to imagine what I look like as a girl. We've basically got the same face already. We're pretty hard to tell apart when I take the potion, actually. I have tried wearing girly things in this body and I just felt...awkward and a little silly? But I wasn't really trying to look like a woman.

The thought I come back to a lot is that, like...it's not that I'm in the wrong body? This one should just be a bit different.

[The problem is, that Rowan is curious. Too curious, really. Which is another reason why they didn't spend too much time with the book. So both the warning and the offer are appreciated.] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

[And even though Vax can't see it, they shrug when he mentions his twin.] Knowing what you'd look like isn't the same as knowing what it'd be like, but that's by the by.

If you don't feel like you have the wrong body, that's a good place to start, though. Gives you a base to build off of. I think the main thing then is to work out what needs to be different for you to feel comfortable. And I can give you suggestions, and be here to stand with you, or talk about it afterwards, but at the end of the day you're the one who's going to know what works.

Yeah. I've got...some ideas what might work. I've got...

[He realizes abruptly that he totally has the means to try out the idea he has, and now he feels a little silly for taking the potion.] Hmm. Well, I've got a week to think about how I feel. The first time I just...spent the whole week trying to just be okay in that body? It was...honestly it wasn't helped that I'd had it about an hour and a half when someone sort of... [How to put this that doesn't make it sound like he wasn't willing.] Well, when someone saw me who I wasn't ready to deal with when I felt vulnerable. Someone I didn't have a great relationship with. I shot the potion down on impulse, regretted it immediately, and within three hours of waking up in the morning a lot of...unbalancing shit had happened, basically. I spent that week just fucking surviving it, there wasn't time for introspection. It's embarrassing but I didn't even want to bathe, a friend had to help me. I was letting other people touch me but I didn't want to get up close and personal with any of it, because the scariest part was that parts of it felt good.

The second time I was just learning that it could...be okay, you know? I'd blown the first go on surviving so I spent the second go on just...being gentler with myself, if that makes sense? Letting it feel nice without pushing myself or rattling my cage.

So. Here goes the third. Time to really explore it, right?

Hey, look, time is good. And thinking. Like I said, the only rush is your own comfort, so take as much or little time as you need over all of this.

[That first time sounds like kind of a disaster, though, and Rowan wishes that they'd been there to try and help him through it.]

That absolutely makes sense. Don't think you need to push yourself too hard, though. If you need to stop and just... enjoy it, just stop. You can always think back on it later. And if you need someone to talk shit through with, I'm still gonna be here. During or after. I didn't go through exactly what you're going through, but I remember what it's like to question, and it helped me to have someone to talk to. Or at; half the time it was just me voicing my way through things until I got to the conclusion.

No, yeah, that makes sense. If it's all right with you I might come for the...sanity check? If something feels weird or I can't figure out what to do about something, you know? Or, yeah, voicing through things, that actually happened a little bit ago, heh.

I really, really appreciate you being willing to talk with me about this, by the way. If it's ever...too much, if I'm ever too much to deal with you can tell me to come back later. I've been like this for thirty-two years, I can wait a few days to let you get stuff off your plate, you know?

Yeah, of course it is. Do you remember when I said I'm free? If I'm working, you can always come down to the Revelry and I'll take a break when I can.

And don't worry about me. Look, I was lucky that I got my shit figured out early, but I have three gay mums and their social group is mostly as queer as they are. I had a lot of help, it don't bother me to pass that on. And I finished transitioning over five years ago, so the worst of it's just memories these days. [They pause, and then add,] In the unlikely event that it happens, I'll let you know, though.

I know. I just don't wanna...impose, I guess. I mean, you're new to the place anyway, you've got enough to deal with just settling in, right? Don't need some...confused half-elf tugging at your sleeve all day.

Anyway, I'll shut up about it. Um, I think I'll let you go, you'll probably hear from me during the week. But you've given me some really good stuff to think about, so thank you again.

Eh, it's been almost a month already, and I adapt fairly quickly. [Seriously, between Silent and Ren pulling and this stupid competition to see who can fuck the best, it feels like they've been here longer just dealing with the pair of them.]

You're really not imposing, please don't stress about that. I'm glad to be able to help.

I'm really glad we got to meet.

Me too! It's nice for me as well. To have someone who understands, I mean. [Whatever Vax works out for himself, at the very least he can understand the questioning, and it's always good to have someone there who understands, even just in part.]

[It actually helps more than he expected to hear that Rowan benefits too. It seems obvious now, doesn't it? It's always good to have your people around.]

I'm really glad, and I'll keep it in mind. Catch you later, yeah?

Yep, speak to you soon!

[And Rowan will end the connection there.]

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